


Lying

by linnealice



Series: Harry [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom!Harry, Lirry - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut, Top!Liam, blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-18 13:44:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1430653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linnealice/pseuds/linnealice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something's goin' on with Lirry, and Liam's trying to deal with it in the wrong way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Careful

**Author's Note:**

> Harry gets a text from Daddy Direction

“Careful…” Liam heard himself murmur. He hoped no one had heard him, but Niall turned his head at him grinning obliviously. Oblivious to what he and Harry had. Liam gave Niall a puff in the side, but he knew it was too late. Niall’s reaction to what he’d said probably already had all Narry shippers watching the show screaming. Why did he have to say that. It sounded more as if he was trying to protect his two band mates from the naughty conspiracy of their fans, rather than letting Niall know he was intruding on Liam’s “territory”. He rubbed his chin as in a way to try to smoother out his confused expression. He was blushing, because he felt a bit ashamed of himself, but he was also frustrated because he didn’t like what Niall got some of their fans thinking. Liam didn’t like the idea of anyone thinking Harry was anyone’s but his, so he spent the rest of the interview trying not to think about all the ways he could make that clear to Harry.

Later the same night Harry got a text from Liam.

"You know I really need a shag now"

Before he could reply, Harry heard a knock on the door to his room. He already knew who it was, and usually it was a sound that would make him feel at home. But after their interview tonight he wasn’t sure what mood Liam was in. He hadn’t mentioned or signalised anything unordinary, but then Liam always kept his poker face when he was troubled about something. And he was troubled. He needed to show Harry who he belonged to. If Liam told Harry in words it would get Harry thinking Liam was in love with him. And even if that might be the truth Liam could never let Harry know. It was too great of a risk. It would be selfish of him too, and he wasn’t even sure if that was the case. That he was in love with Harry. No, he would have to show Harry who he belonged to in a more physical way, with as little affection as possible, just to be on the safe side.

Harry reluctantly put his laptop away, got off his bed and walked towards the door. He turned the handle and let the door slid open slightly, before he quickly turned around and started fiddling with his drawer in an attempt to seem casually busy with something. He didn’t want Liam to see how the text had made him blush. Or how just being close to Liam in general would make him blush from now on. Harry heard Liam close the door gently behind him. He heard how Liam was slowly approaching his back. He felt Liam’s hands against the skin of his hips, sneaking in under his shirt, and it gave him goose bumps even though they were perfectly warm. Before Harry knew it Liam had pulled his shirt off. Harry tried to hide how surprised he felt; he didn’t think Liam had meant now-now. They always hung around, talking or something, before they snugged. Never like this, Liam just pulling his clothes off, as if he was doing something casual like preparing a meal.

Liam threw the shirt on the floor, and continued pulling Harry’s sweatpants off. It made Harry feel really uncomfortable, being undressed like this. But Liam just continued, and Harry didn’t want to object. After all it was just sex, and he didn’t want to become the sensitive one of them, putting a lot of meaning into it. He knew they would come to it at some point. Besides, he wasn’t sure to what extent this was something emotional going on between them. Harry just wanted to try and stay at the same level as Liam, not getting ahead of himself.

They had never done anything beyond hand jobs before. Liam had mentioned sex, but Harry hadn’t really responded. He liked their innocent, equal “loveship”. They were just friends, satisfying each other’s cuddle cravings. If they were going to take it to the next level, Harry knew one of them would become more dominant. And Harry knew it would be Liam. The self preserved Liam and the he, the vague Harry. He didn’t want to admit it, but he loved the idea of a Dominant Daddy Direction. He knew that once Liam got into that role he wouldn’t come out of it. And Harry knew he would miss the fluffy Liam he had now. Miss him to the extent he would fall in love with him, if he hadn’t already. He would love Liam, and it would make him weak, trying to reach back to the Liam he’d had. So that’s why Harry didn’t want to admit how much Liam turned him on now. He didn’t want to admit the fact he was impatient to become the one not able to hide his feelings any longer. Harry realizing he couldn’t wait to become the submissive, wanting Harry. The one Liam didn’t want to admit he needed too. The one Liam would secretly get addicted too. The Harry that dreamed of making daddy direction lose his mind, his control. But Liam would never let Harry know the extent of his desperation; he would never let him know how much he craved this green-eyed boy. 

They were both so different. Liam had to keep his façade, not showing how vulnerable he really was, how much he wanted love, and how little he had left to lose. After all, showing people this side of himself wouldn’t get people to like him more, would it? Harry on the other hand was always the kind who wanted to show people his affection, maybe in hopes that he would be rewarded in some way. He had lost so much love, and it made him feel like he had nothing much left to lose, so he might as well give it all away, in hopes that people would maybe see that he was genuine, that they would at least love him because of that. He hoped that they would come to realize they had nothing to lose if they showed him how they liked him back. But most times it left him feeling empty, drained and unappreciated. Which again made him feel like he had even less to lose, like there was no use of hiding anyway, and evil spiral. Harry had come to see this by this point in life and he thought to himself that this time he wouldn’t show Liam one sign of his feelings for him. He realized he had felt these things for a long time, but they were rapidly blooming and coming to life inside of him with this new Liam. 

Both Harry and Liam needed the same thing, they both searched for the same thing. They just chose to deal with it differently. Both in the wrong way, and in the wrong places, because they were afraid. They searched for love. If they could just see what they had in front of them. They needed each other.


	2. Get on your knees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam want's a blow job but will it be enough

The feeling of Liam controlling the situation now, just doing as he pleased, undressing Harry right away, made the younger boy dizzy from anticipation. Liam’s touch was practically exaggerated in its preservation. The thought of the situation almost made Harry smile; even though Liam wanted to seem like he was the one in control he was the impatient of the two, the one that just had to give in to his needs. Almost as if Harry was the one really in control, having the power of affecting Liam in this way. But he knew Liam would never let himself be submissive. And Harry was blinded by his lust, incapable of directing Liam, let alone himself. 

The older boy gazed at Harry through heavy eyelids, intoxicated by the situation, and he looked so cute Harry almost sniggered. But when Liam grabbed his ass the intimidating though of having to bottom got to Harry. 

He was only wearing pants now, and Liam started pulling his own shirt off. Harry just stayed where he was, watching him. He didn’t know what to do, if he was supposed to go to the bed and wait or just let Liam tell him. After all, this was Liam’s idea, and Harry wasn’t sure what you were supposed to do. He didn’t want to do anything wrong, making the situation awkward.

“Lay down on the bed”, Liam said as he unbuttoned his trousers. Harry obeyed, and lay down supporting himself on his elbows, still watching Liam and his gracious torso. Liam got his pants off and started walked towards the bed, letting Harry get a good idea of what was coming. His full length sent a sting of panic through Harry; he couldn’t remember it had been this big. The thought of not knowing what Liam wanted him to do with it worried him. Liam got up on the bed standing on his knees.

“Come here”, Liam directed Harry. “Can you give me a blowjob?”

“Yeah”, the blushing Harry breathed, his eyes clinging on to the white sheets below him. He knew Liam would accept no other answer. Hesitantly he placed is hand on Liam’s hip.

“Lick it first, get it wet”, Liam continued. Harry did as he was told, dragging his tongue from the base to the tip. Liam closed his eyes, lips slightly parted, and put his hand on Harry’s shoulder. After a while he grabbed Harry’s chin, opening his mouth and pulled him on to his cock. Harry didn’t know what to do, but he didn’t have to think about it. Liam fisted his hands in the brown curls and gently forced his dick down Harry’s throat. Liam’s throbbing size almost made Harry choke but he held back and tried to focus on how lucky he was. But Liam didn’t pull out. He couldn’t show his soft side now. He stayed until Harry was breathing and had got used to the feeling Liam’s cock all the way down his throat and how the thick pounding length twitched in his mouth.

“Are you alright to start sucking me now?” Liam low voice moaned impatiently. Harry couldn’t answer so he just did his best pleasing Liam. The older boy kept tugging his hair and thrusting slightly into his mouth, being careful not to choke him in the same time as he maintained his control over Harry. The boy’s mouth and damp lips felt so nice around him and Liam couldn’t stop wondering if Harry had done this before. He didn’t like the idea. 

Harry suddenly sucked hard on Liam, almost causing him to let out a moan, but he managed to contain himself. He concentrated on keeping quiet, he didn’t want to show Harry how much he loved it. Harry had gotten more eager, and was now sucking hard, his mouth tight against the skin of Liam’s cock. Liam got closer and closer to cumming every time Harry bobbed his head, and he suddenly pulled Harry off and pushed him down on the mattress.

“Where do you keep your lube?” Liam asked calmly, collecting himself. He just wanted to shove into Harry right away. Harry hesitated, he wasn’t sure he could do this. 

Liam was acting so dominant.

“It’s in the top drawer, by the condoms…”

Liam walked across the room and opened it. He got the lube and a condom out. Luckily he was almost as big as Harry.

“Get on your knees”, Liam commanded. It felt strange, but Harry was too busy thinking of the bottle of lube than his position. When he heard Liam open it with a click behind him, Harry closed his eyes and hung his head down, trying to imagine he was somewhere else, trying to prepare his mind. Without warning he felt Liam insert a finger. It happened so sudden Harry couldn’t help but gasp, but it didn’t keep Liam from start twisting and pulling right away. Harry was shaking, he couldn’t keep up. He let his upper torso fall down on the mattress. All he could focus on was the sound of his heavy breathing and the sensation of what Liam was doing to him. He loved it. And Liam could feel it.


	3. Spilling more than words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry can't take it and loses control of his tongue.

“You love it, yeah?” Liam said, scissoring Harry, making him moan once again. Harry could only nod but Liam didn’t seem pleased with that, thrusting a third finger in. Harry gasped and Liam felt how the younger boy froze. Harry was almost numb; Liam hadn’t been very patient stretching him.

“You have to relax, let me in, or this will never work” The older boy could hardly wait. He pulled out his fingers and opened the condom to roll it on. Then he slicked his dick with a generous amount of lube. When he was ready he grabbed Harry’s hips, pulling him back a bit. The boy looked up at him with worried eyes. Liam just looked back; Harry was so sexy when he was submissive. There was no way Harry could relax now, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment, he knew he would have to make it work. Liam suddenly thrust into Harry, and the brown-haired boy let out a loud cry, but quickly quieted down, closing his eyes shut. Liam pulled out and thrust back into him again, even harder this time. Harry whimpered and Liam loved it. He picked up a fast, firm pace and Harry just lay there, frowning, eyes shut. He was fisting the sheets and clenching his jaw, not even able to make a sound. It felt like his whole body was filled up with Liam and he had completely forgot about the relax part. Until Liam hit right into his prostate. Harry let out a high-pitched yelp, opening his eyes at Liam. The older boy saw Harry’s confused, pleading eyes and thrust into the spot again, loving the boy’s desperate yelp.

“Do you want me to stop?” Liam looked down at Harry. He had stopped and was testing the boy laying submissively under him.

“Please…” Harry didn’t want to give it to him.

“Please what? ”

“Please, Liam! Just… don’t stop”, Harry begged.

“How bad do you want me?”

“… I’ll always want you after this” Harry said quietly.

At that Liam thrust into him, picking up the pace again but this time he continuously hit Harry’s spot. The boy couldn’t stop crying out in high-pitched gasps, and he felt as if he was about to cum any second, but he couldn’t tell Liam to slow down because of his intense moaning. As if it had shown in Harry’s face Liam grabbed the whimpering boy’s throbbing cock and started jerking him off. Harry gasped even louder, begging him to stop, Harry couldn’t take it and he didn’t want Liam to stop fucking him if he came.

“We both know you don’t want me to stop. You love it when I get to do exactly what I want with you. You wouldn’t even take your own clothes off”, Liam moaned, fucking and fisting Harry harder and harder by the second. Harry couldn’t take it in any more.

“I love you Liam!” Harry moaned as his cum suddenly burst out in thick streaks all over the sheet below him. So much for trying not to show Liam what he really felt. He was shaking and could barely hold his legs up but Liam held a tight grip of his hips, arching back when he came inside of Harry. Then he pulled out and tossed the condom in the bin, like nothing had happened.

“Well, that was fun!” Liam got dressed and walked towards the door. “See you tomorrow…” he added before exiting the room. Harry had hardly moved. All he could think about was the fact that they hadn’t even kissed. Once. They always kissed before they parted. And it was true, everything Liam had said. But Liam didn’t know why Harry would let him do this to him. Liam didn’t know he was the only one who could do this to Harry, undress him just like that, make him feel this way. Or at least, that’s what Harry thought. But he was wrong. 

Liam knew exactly what he was doing. It wasn’t only Harry’s words that had given him away; it was the sound of his voice when he said them too. But Liam knew there could be nothing more between them than this. That was why he had to treat Harry like this, he couldn’t let either his or Harry’s feelings get any stronger. All their snuggling had become too intimate, making Liam say things like on the interview. And after all, Liam still couldn’t be sure Harry loved him, despite his moan when he had come. Maybe it was just the heat of the moment. But he knew he loved Harry, and that’s exactly why he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t let himself give into it. He mustn’t be vulnerable.


	4. The tip of an iceberg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam thinks Harry has fallen asleep so he steals a kiss

After a couple of days Harry and Liam started acting normal around each other again, and Harry had almost forgotten how Liam had changed when they fucked. And how Liam’s thrusts had got him to spill his beans. They had almost acted cuddlier these last days than the last couple of weeks. Liam couldn’t stop thinking about Harry, and he just wanted to be alone with him again, without anyone else getting Harry’s attention. Though he liked hanging out with him around the other guys more now, than before. Sure, Harry was still fooling around a bit with Niall, but he had also turned more towards Liam. He realized it was probably because they hadn’t snuggled last time, and Harry probably knew they wouldn’t do so next time either. So Harry was trying to be as cuddly as he possible could towards Liam when they were with the other guys. As soon as it was only the two of them, even though there were other people around, things got awkward. Only when they hung around like a band with at least one of the other members they were still working the old dynamics. Anyway, Liam couldn’t wait much longer until he got Harry alone again. So that was why he knocked on Harry’s door the next Wednesday. When Harry opened, Liam just walked past him into the room.

“Close it”, Liam said and Harry reluctantly let the door slid shut. Liam opened his mouth to say something but Harry was quicker.

“This is a game of love…” Harry said. “You’re playing it. And I know you’re gonna break my heart when you decide to walk away, and I know you will because you’re afraid of your feelings. So you better just make your decision now, if you really love me, spare my heart.”

Liam looked at Harry shocked. He didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to say, Harry had already said it all, it was all true. “I’m sorry, but I don’t love you back. You must’ve misunderstood things”, Liam lied and walked back towards the door. He felt so foolish coming there, begging for more. And just by walking out again he contradicted what he’d just said. But Harry had left him no choice. He felt the corners of his eyes watering as he hurried to his room. He felt bad about everything. Why was he upset, he should be happy about what Harry had said. Again. Still he couldn’t stop the furious tears trailing past his temples as he stared up at the ceiling above his bed. He felt ashamed. Of himself. Harry had seen through him. Everything was his fault, if he had just been in better control, not letting it get this far in the first place. Now HE had to be heartbroken, he had to break the heart of the one he loved to save the band. Everything would forever be ruined between him and Harry. And that Niall. Liam tried to stop thinking, he didn’t know where to go, what to do, if he was exaggerating. If the band would fall apart because of this he might as well be honest with Harry anyway.

After he had closed the door after Liam, Harry walked towards his bed and lay down, letting his tears pour quietly from the corners of his eyes. He had hoped Liam would realize he could stay. That what Harry really wanted was for him to stay. But he realized his love for Liam was selfish. Liam was more responsible; he though oft what their love would do to the band. Even if no one would find out about it, it would change things between the two of them and ultimately the entire structure between all members.

The days passed and things worked out almost like usual. But that Saturday Liam found himself standing outside of Harry’s door again, giving it a gentle knock. It took a while before Harry opened, and Liam though Harry would be cold towards him, but to his surprise the boy was smiling faintly but warm at him. Liam entered the room and sat down on the bed and Harry followed his lead.

“We need to talk”, Liam said, reluctantly. “It was right what you said last time. It’s true that we can’t do this. I just… your touch was overwhelming. I’ve never felt anything like it. It was like it made me realize… It was like the tip of an iceberg. It made me want more, but I know I can’t be that selfish. Things would get too complicated....”

Liam stopped. He didn’t know if he was making sense to Harry. If he were to say now what he had come to say it would indeed confuse the situation. And Liam wasn’t sure it was worth it now that Harry seemed to be okay with it all. So Liam pushed his feelings away once more, trying to seem as calm as Harry. But it was hard. Suddenly it felt like Harry hadn’t loved him even the slightest from the beginning. “And no matter how much I want to, I can’t have sex with you again. My body gets too confused.”

“It’s probably for the best, don’t worry. We see each other every day…” Harry stopped mid-sentence, not really knowing why he had just said that. After a while Liam spoke again. 

“So we’re all good now then?”

“Yeah”, Harry lied. His eyes ware getting wet, thinking this was when Liam would leave again, and he leaned back on the bed, staring wide eyed up past the ceiling to prevent the tears from escaping his eyes. When he released the breath he’d held in, it came out more like a snuffle. He hoped Liam hadn’t heard. Harry closed his eyes; he needed to get away from Liam now that he was sitting there beside him without being aloud to touch him. Some time went by, and Harry thought that Liam must’ve left without him noticing. But he didn’t open his eyes to see if he was right. There was no need of doing anything besides just laying down anyway.

Suddenly, without warning, he felt a pair of warm damp lips pressed hard against his own. It was a long sweet and tranquil kiss that seemed to last forever. Liam stroked Harry’s cheek, and the younger boy could feel the warm blows from Liam’s nostrils as he rested in their kiss. Harry realized Liam must've been thinking he had fallen asleep, and when Liam slowly got up from the kiss, Harry kept his eyes shut playing along. He was trying hard not to complicate things. When he heard the door shut he sat up. The kiss gave him an idea. If both of them believed they weren’t sharing anything things wouldn't be complicated anymore. Things could go on as before. Which meant that Harry could sneak in to Liam when he was asleep, just being near him would be enough. The idea was brilliant. And sure one of the most desperate and foolish things Harry had come up with.


	5. Couldn't wait for Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry starts sneaking in to Liam's room each night but Liam isn't asleep.

Harry sneaked out of his room at one in the morning. He tiptoed across the hall and cautiously opened the door to Liam’s room. He walked across the room, up to the bed and stared at the boy laying in it. Harry let out a silent sigh of relief when he saw that Liam was fast asleep. At least that was what it looked like. Harry knew he should’ve waited longer but he couldn’t. He lay down on the bed beside Liam. He looked so peaceful sleeping. Harry carefully reached out a hand and stroked Liam just as he had done to Harry earlier that evening. Liam loved the feel of Harry’s fingertips, and fighting the urge to reciprocate almost gave him a headache. He almost felt thankful when Harry put down his hand again. 

Harry almost stayed an hour, just watching Liam’s face in the darkness of the room. The older boy could’ve lay still forever if it meant Harry would be this close to him. But Harry eventually got off the bed and walked towards the door. Just before he closed it Liam turned to his other side. Harry thought maybe he should wait a little longer next night before coming to Liam’s room. Because he already knew he would have to come back the next night. It had made him feel almost completely all right after watching Liam sleep, being so close to him. And he knew it would become an addiction, something he couldn’t live without. He was already looking forward to next night. When he got back in bed he fell asleep immediately, a calm smile on his mouth.

-

Liam had been going to bed extra early for a week now, in hopes that Harry would show up earlier than usual. He usually came around 2. But this night he didn’t. When it was 2:30 am Liam couldn’t wait any longer. He got the idea he should go into Harry’s room himself. He was just about to open Harry’s door when it silently slid open, Harry standing surprised in front of him. Then Harry got to better thoughts and pulled Liam into his room in case there were other people up at this hour too.

“What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” Harry asked him.

“I was… I was just gonna see if I’d forgotten something in your room from you know…” Liam said trying to sound convincing.

“What could that be that you need so badly in the middle of the night?” Harry asked, a smirk spreading across his face as he realized how it had sounded. Liam didn’t know how or what to answer. So he decided to just show Harry the truth. He put his hands on Harry’s bum and pulled him into a long kiss. Then he slowly released his lips from Harry’s and opened his eyes. Harry’s were still shut and it seemed as if though he didn’t want to open them.

“Do you want me?” Liam breathed as he walked Harry back into the hotel room. “I know you do, more than anything.”

“I always want you”, Harry mumbled before Liam pushed him down on the bed. When he started taking Harry’s sweatpants off, the boy didn’t stop him.

“I want you too”, Liam said, undressing Harry completely. Harry sobbed. “Maybe not in the same way, but I know you like it.” Harry’s lube was still by the bedside table and Liam slicked three fingers with lube and pressed them inside of Harry, who immediately arched his back. “You love it when I use you.” Harry remained silent, and Liam turned him over so that his face was pressed down on the sheets.

“Tell me, Harry” Liam commanded, and then pushed hard, entering Harry. “You love this, don’t you?”

Tears filled the younger boy’s eyes and he stopped breathing as Liam thrust inside of him.

“Yes”, he choked out fisting his hands into the sheets. Liam grabbed at the skin over Harrys muscular back, digging his nails into it and pulled Harry to the side. Harry turned to lay on his back, looking up at Liam. The older boy pulled Harry’s legs up at which he closed his eyes, lips trembling.

Liam shoved into him again and silent tears fell from the corners of Harry’s eyes. He didn’t breathe; he didn’t want to start sobbing in front of Liam. Liam leaned down, close to Harry’s face, still fucking the boy hard. Harry didn’t move, and Liam thrust harder and harder into him. He grabbed Harry’s throat, choking him. “Do you like this too?” he breathed an inch away from Harry’s lips. The younger boy opened his eyes, staring right up at Liam, now unable to breathe. His eyes were still filled with tears, but he nodded. Liam kissed him then, and let go of his throat. He moved his hand down and started fisting Harry. The younger boy desperately tried to catch his breath between Liam’s lips.

“Do you still think you can walk away from this?” Liam mumbled into Harry’s lips, tugging his hair, still looking deep into his eyes.

Harry shook his head vigorously, more tears flooding his eyes. Liam started kissing his neck, the kisses turning into hard bites, almost piercing through the skin. Harry tried not to moan as he didn’t want Liam to know how much he loved it, but it was no use. Harry suddenly came, sticky hot semen spreading over Liam’s hand. The older boy quickly flipped Harry over onto his belly and started fucking him even harder and faster than before, down into the mattress. Even though Harry was exhausted from coming and Liam fucking him, he loved just lying there, feeling Liam filling him up. Knowing how Liam loved the feel of him. Harry closed his eyes and felt the waves of electricity going through his body every time Liam thrust into him. The rush almost made him forget all complication about them being together. Like he was blinded from thought and just filled up with sensation. Liam pulled out and came all over Harry’s muscular back.

“Look at me.” Harry did as he was told and turned on his cheek to look at Liam. The older boy had a soft smile on his lips as he gripped Harry’s arm, digging his nails in. Harry whimpered from the sting.

“This is what you need. You’d just come running to my room each night if I didn’t put you in place like this. You know it’s too late now and that your feelings for me can’t be stopped. That’s why I’ll have to do this to you every now and then, to keep you down…”

“I’d still love you though”, Harry whispered back. At that Liam had to kiss him.

“That’s a lovely thing. A beautiful but impractical thing.” He replied after letting go of Harry. And before Harry could get back, Liam scrambled off the bed and quickly pulled his dressing gown on before leaving the room. This was the only way Liam thought he could spare his, Harry’s and the heart of the band. His only hope was that their physical contact would be enough to hold their feelings back. But boy was he wrong.


	6. Salvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only one way out of this Liam.

Ever since last time, Harry and Liam couldn’t act normal around the other guys. Or around each other. Harry knew Liam had made his decision of how to handle their situation, and there was little he could do to stop him. He had already let Liam know how desperate he was, there wasn’t anything left to say. Even though Harry knew Liam loved him, as he had practically told him, this was the way it was going to be and he knew why. One Direction. Damn, that sounded so hetero normative to him now. But he didn’t want to be the selfish one, how could Liam ever love him if he was. So that’s why it continued like this. It was a sacrifice they both made.

It had been almost two months. Things weren’t entirely the same, but it was hardly anything noticeable even by the most dedicated fan. Every day Liam came to realize his doing was wrong. Doubting him self again. One day he realized he missed Harry’s bode, not only in the physical way but just seeing it. Before, when they had been as close of friend as you can be Liam had always spent his days together with the band throwing glances at Harry. His body, his big hands, his smile, his hair. And his muscular arms. But they weren’t there anymore, they were always covered up. Liam didn’t put much thought into it in the beginning, but as time when by he started feeling guilt build up inside of him. Harry was always touching his wrists whenever he was in an uncomfortable situation and he kept tugging at his sleeves or correcting his lately copious bracelets. That’s why Liam insisted on sharing a room with him at the next hotel. To his surprise Harry didn’t show much of a reaction, neither resist or hope clouded his face. He was just silent, staring down at the ground. As if he hadn’t heard. When they were alone in their room Liam could take the silence. He couldn’t remember the last time it had been only the two of them, without anyone around.

“Harry. Why don’t you talk to me” Liam heard himself utter. At first Harry just looked at him, expressionless.

“That’s a stupid question. Talk to me if you want to.” He simply replied. It reminded Liam of the way Harry used to talk before, at times when he was grumpy or tired. Usually being reminded about before always made Liam feel warm inside but this time there was sadness in Harry’s face. Sadness that had finally leaked out, colouring the dead face that Harry had gotten used to seeing in the mirror lately. He didn’t know Liam still could affect him like this. He hadn’t known that he could still be affected by anything anymore.

“Well isn’t that what I’m doing now” Liam let Harry’s expression reflect in his own.

“I know” Harry said bluntly.

“Just got the feeling you wouldn’t reply…” Liam continued.

“Now why is that? Because you think I’m as ignorant as you?” Harry couldn’t believe what he was hearing coming from himself. “I guess your right Liam. I wouldn’t really talk to you in a situation like this, being alone with you. I don’t really feel like I’ve got anything to say to you. But maybe you feel like there’s something you need to tell me. Is that why you insisted on sharing a room with me? Or maybe you just wanted to see me suffer, wanted to see if I could still suffer. I was this close to say no, but of course I couldn’t do that in front of everyone, not with the way you’ve been looking at me all this time, yeah it’s quite obvious Liam. And I didn’t want to show how weak I was. And I guess one part of myself wanted to see that too. If there was something inside of me still living. Thank you, at least now I can feel something, at least now I know I’m not an empty shell like you!” Before Liam could collect himself enough in order to reply, Harry grabbed his towel and locked himself into the bathroom. 

Finally he could let the tears that had been welling up in his eyes escape them. He hadn’t cried in weeks. He thought that he’d drained up forever. But thankfully he had Liam to go ruin it all for him. Again. Ruin his mental equilibrium that he hoped he had found. He started undressing, not breaking eye contact with his reflection the entire time, admiring his own tears. He stayed there for a minute or two, before he undressed and got in the shower. Harry felt the hot water burning against his skin, making him numb. He washed quickly, so that he could carry on with his release. On the sink lay what he had been thinking of. What he thought of all days, whenever he felt sad. What got him through each day, knowing he would find relief if he could just keep it together until. He reached out for it, feeling how the world around him slowed down, he would soon feel it freeze completely. For a while. Until it would start spinning again, making him nauseous and confused. He opened his eyes again. He was holding a shining blade in his hand. Red lined its edge. He looked down at his wrist, his blood was mixing with the water pouring down on him. He didn’t know he had cut already, but he couldn’t stop now.

When Harry got out of the bathroom, fully dressed, Liam was gone to his relief. He threw himself on the bed and fell asleep.

*

The next day Harry woke up to the sound of Liam’s voice. He was talking to someone on the phone. Harry was still too tiered to hear what he was saying. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what was said. Back in his head he knew whom Liam was talking to. I was this he couldn’t stand, sharing a room with Liam. He had avoided Liam’s talks with his girlfriend. He couldn’t think her name. He couldn’t stand the thought of hearing Liam saying he loved someone it not being him. All of a sudden Harry sobbed, not very loud, but enough for Liam to hear it because he quickly said he had to go.

“I love you” Liam said in a low voice before he hung up. Harry was already on his way to the bathroom, he needed to be alone again. He had to get away from Liam, he couldn’t control his emotions if they shared a room, no matter how close he wanted to be to Liam right now. After he’d locked the door he sunk down on the floor and started sobbing violently, tears flowing down his face. Not a sound escaped him, he couldn’t Liam hear. After a while he realized he had stopped, that he was barely breathing and he felt the warm floorheating underneath him. There was a knock on the door.

“Harry, I need to use the bathroom” Liam said in an uncertain tone. Harry pretended not to hear him. After a while Liam spoke again, now in a more desperate tone. “Harry, what’s wrong?! You’ve been in there for almost an hour now! Harry… Just let me in will you? I’m sorry… Harry? Can you hear me? Just… please say something so that I know you’re okay!” At that Liam stopped. Harry didn’t answer, why does Liam care anyway. Liam didn’t say anything more and Harry felt tears welling up again. How could Liam hurt him like this, pretending like he cares whether he’s okay or not and then just walking away, just giving up just because he didn’t answer. Harry felt his salty tears fall down towards the floor, irritating his already sore eye corner. He must’ve fallen asleep, because he woke up from the sound of the door being opening with a bang. In the big bathroom mirror Harry could see Liam standing frozen behind him. The older boy was staring down with a shocked expression at him but Harry was too tired to move. He realized how the scene must look to him, the blood from his arm mixing with his tears, on the floor. He hoped he hadn’t cut too deep. Liam dropped something he had in his hand and threw himself on the floor, pulling Harry up into his arms and just hugged him tight for a while. Harry though he was in heaven, but of course Liam would have to ruin it again.

“Harry what have you done. Why are you doing this.” Liam was holding his wrist even though it had stopped bleeding a while ago. “Did you do this to yourself yesterday too, do you always do this this often?”

“No” Harry replied simply.

“Is it because of me, please tell me what I can do” Liam pleaded desperately, trying to catch Harry’s eyes in the mirror. But he just looked away, down at Liam’s hands that were hugging him from behind, without answering. He was crying silent floods, he wasn’t even shaking anymore but somehow Liam still knew he was crying even more. “I’ll do anything, I can make them change our room I can –”

“No! Please don’t” Harry’s cracking voice echoed in the bathroom. He turned around and clung to Liam’s chest for dear life, digging his nails into the back of his shirt like he was afraid Liam would disappear.

“But I can’t let you do this to yourself, and if I’m the reason I have to go…”

“It’s too late Liam, the damage is done, you’ll only make it worse” Harry’s muffled voice said from Liam now wet shirt.

“Then tell me what to do Harry, I can’t let you do this to yourself, you’re hurting me too.” Harry had dreamed of hearing these words one day, but now it just made him feel even emptier, worse. Before he wouldn’t have thought Liam deserved this, getting to help him get better. Liam had made his choice, and now he was making this about himself again. But It was working, no matter how hurt he had been by Liam before he still couldn’t see him worried like this.

“Never leave me again” Harry whispered between his sobs.

“If you promise to never hurt us again, I promise I’ll never keep us apart ever again.” Harry looked up at Liam trying to hide his disbelief; he wanted to show him he trusted him. Liam just gave him a deep passionate kiss, and before Harry lost himself in it he could see in Liam's eyes that every word that he had said was true.

“Lets get into the shower and clean you up, before we talk to the guys” Liam said when they eventually parted.

“The guys?” Harry wasn’t sure he should think what he was thinking.

“I want to get this settled in stone, I won’t take no risks anymore.”

Harry didn’t dare be happy yet. “But what about -”

“I love her too, but not like I love you, never like I have loved you. You must think I’m an idiot, I am, I haven’t been fair to her, and I don’t know how I could’ve done this to you… But I will tell her today after we’re done with management.” Liam looked worried down at Harry.

Harry was starting to think he was still dreaming, but he couldn’t stop smiling, because it didn’t matter if so was the case; it was the best dream ever. “I don’t know if I’m ready to shower with you” was all he could say, but Liam looked relieved. There was something in Harry’s voice when he said it that made him feel safe.  
“I thought I told you I wouldn’t leave you. I wont touch you, I just want to hold you like this, just want to look at you, make sure you’re okay.”

“You sound like a total creep…” Harry muttered, managing a bit of humour after so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is probably the last bit of this for now. Kind of an unexpected ending, hadn't really thought of an ending when i started this. That's why it's really cliché. Hope you find it interesting somehow anyway <3


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